dirty little secret

i don't remember jack as a baby.

i realized this yesterday as he was flipping through an old mini-album i made for kate. it had photos of kate as a baby and one or two of jack. i sat with jack as he flipped through the album and pointed out kate ('tate!') and me and jeff. i remembered every photo of kate - i knew how old she was in the photo, why we took the photo and where we were at the time.

and then i saw a photo of jack sitting in my lap and i blanked. i couldn't remember where the photo was taken. or why. or how old he was. looking at him in that photo was like remembering a story someone has told you so often that you begin to think it is your own. i recognized him...i knew him, but i didn't feel like he was mine. he was just a baby sitting on my lap.

i finally realized that the photo was taken at my parents' house (i recognized the couch) but i still don't know why we were at their house (a random trip? thanksgiving?) or how old jack was.

mothers always say they don't have favorites. i'm not sure that's true. i think in every mother's heart there is one child they feel closer to. maybe it's not that they love them more then their other children, but they feel a special bond. i feel that with kate. i remember the first few months of maternity leave when i was bored to tears and would do anything to pass the long days. we danced to music, played in front of the mirror, sat in the sunroom, watched the teletubbies and went on daily trips to target just to get out of the house.

i remember kate as a baby because i had no one else to concentrate on. but jack? poor jack got the shaft. he was always sort of along for the ride. the extra thing i had to remember to bring with me when i left the house. i try to tell myself that it's because the kids are only 21 months apart. i had my hands full, right? but it doesn't make me feel better. and parents don't admit it. they don't admit that the first one is always a little bit more special. that there is a unique bond with the child who made you a parent.

but it's there.

i tell myself that kate made me and jeff parents, but jack made us a family.

and i believe that.