sigh

i've been having a hard time lately. i used to yearn for the day that the kids would be more self sufficient...wouldn't need me to wipe every runny nose, carry them up every flight of stairs or feed them before i could eat my own meal.

that day is here. and you know what? it's great. the physical exhaustion of having babies and toddlers is pretty much over. i can sit on a bench at the playground while they run around and i can sit on the side of the pool while they splash with friends.

but.

i didn't know that there was a trade-off. the physical exhaustion is gone but it has been replaced with the mental exhaustion. and i don't know which is worse. kate never stops talking ("mommy! look at that cloud! it looks like a big cat! and did you know that pigs lie in dirt? why are pigs pink, mommy? adam says he lives in hollyswood. i want to live in hollyswood because i've never been there. where did we used to live? are we going to see a movie today? you said we could see a movie. and i'm going to have popcorn and candy. what can i have to drink? do i have to have milk at the movie? i had chocolate milk with poppy at the bagel store. he lets us have chocolate milk. and cupcakes, too!" etc etc ETC). she wants answers to all of her questions and sometimes i just want to scream 'SHUT THE HELL UP!' sometimes i just need 5 minutes of quiet. just five minutes. and sometimes i DO yell at her (although i rarely yell 'shut the hell up' (but i have once or twice, i'm embarrassed to admit).

and jack? jack drives me up a wall. he's slow. he's not in a hurry and gets distracted easily and it makes me boil. kate is more like me in this way - she is always on to the next thing. hurry, hurry, hurry, let's go, let's go, let's go. jack? he just sort of moseys along. it takes him about 18 minutes to get out his carseat and out of the car (and this is when i unbuckle him myself). i have to ask him to put his shoes on about a half an hour before we're actually going anywhere because he will start to go to the closet but along the 10 foot walk he will find a coloring book! and crayons! and one of the dog's toys! and! and! and! i'm forever yelling 'let's GO, jack!' or 'HURRY UP! Jack!'

and you know what? i hate yelling at my kids. i feel like the worst mom. and i know we all feel like we're less than perfect moms. i'm not asking for perfection. i just want to be nicer. and more patient. i hate being the mom you see at the mall who is totally frazzeled and snapping at her kids and who looks like she would rather be anywhere but with her kids.

i have this vision in my head of the kind of mom i want to be: the mom who is patient. the mom who is firm and disciplines her children but does it in a loving, positive way. the mom who isn't yelling across the bookstore for her kids to stop climbing the shelves or she's going to take them OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW AND I MEAN IT! the mom who doesn't worry about how other moms perceive her. the mom who lets her kids make a mess at the kitchen table because she knows it's not a big deal to clean it up. the mom who plays with her kids all day instead of trying to run errands because she knows her kids are only going to be little once.

is that even possible?