musings

i feel guilty a lot. guilty that i have two healthy children. guilty that i have a great relationship with my husband. guilty that i have a new house with new furniture and no debt hanging over my head. guilty that my life is so fantastic.

i know.

i KNOW.

it's ridiculous. i should be thankful. and i AM. very much so. but i also have this nagging, creeping guilt because i didn't do anything to deserve any of this. nothing. nada. i'd like to think that the years i spent volunteering and working for non-profits paved the way for this good karma but really, i know that's not true. because just like bad things happen for no reason, so do good things. it's just that i have a much easier time accepting the bad things. i don't know why. blame it on my parents for teaching me that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. for teaching me that good things come as a result of hard work. that nothing good comes easy. valuable lessons, yes. lessons i hope to teach my own kids, in fact. but lessons that leave me wondering why the hell i've been so lucky in my life and when the other shoe is going to drop.

kind of depressing, isn't it?