glimpse of the future

i took this picture of jack yesterday. it almost made me catch my breath when i saw it. it was like seeing how he is going to look when he is 10. especially when compared to this picture i took about 3 weeks ago where he looks like such a little boy.

most days i'm in a hurry for my kids to grow up and i gladly tick off the milestones (potty trained, no more toybox in the living room, feeding themselves...). but this picture made me want to stop for just a minute. just stop and enjoy it and relish the little boyness of him.

pseudo-bourgeois guilt

my cleaning crew is here right now and it always makes me uncomfortable to be home when they are cleaning the house. i feel...i don't know, guilty? for being a stay at home mom and having someone else clean my house? i feel lazy and pathetic. i keep thinking they are talking about me in spanish ("what a lazy woman!" "we work all day and still clean our own houses!")

i want to tell them that i've done crappy jobs, too...that i wasn't always this lazy. my parents made me work. i've stocked shelves at a hardware store, cleaned bathrooms at mcdonalds and worked weekends at a sporting goods store in addition to my regular 9-5 job just so i could pay my rent. i've worked overnight shifts at a halfway house for felons and i've gotten up at 5:30am to go chop pickles at a deli. i've been there. i've done it.

so why do i feel guilty? it's not like they're indentured servants. i pay them (and they're not cheap). but here i am, typing away on my computer so they might think i'm doing some important work instead of just playing on the internet while my child naps.

vacation from my life

(editor's note: i'm PWI. posting while intoxicated. a nice kettle one and tonic. yum.)

i drove into baltimore last night to spend the weekend by myself. no kids, no dog, no husband. i love them all but i needed a break.

so i slept in until 6am today (some habits can't be broken) but i laid in bed and WATCHED TV until 9:30am. when's the last time i got to do that? and then. THEN. i took a LONG shower and SHAVED MY LEGS. both of them. at the same time. and then i got to dry my hair completely and put on some makeup. it was glorious. i didn't see the light of day until 11am when i wandered around mt. vernon.

i got some coffee at donna's cafe and sat outside in the sun and 60 degree weather and read a book. and then i got tired. so i went back to my hotel room and took a nap. and i've been inside, in bed, napping, reading magazines and watching tbs all day.

the most indulgent part of the entire weekend was the very fact that i stayed inside on a beautiful day. i didn't feel the need to take the kids out to make the most of this temporary break in the winter weather. i didn't feel the need to walk the dog extra long because it wasn't windy and freezing outside. i didn't feel the need to do anything except read trashy magazines and lounge in bed.

it was a glorious day.

you've GOT to be kidding

i stumbled across this article today from a newspaper in kansas city. the urge to laugh and point and make fun is tempered only by the fact that the women in the picture don't look like they knew any better.

Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. At least one person had to be hospitalized and the others face serious health risks.

(the best quote from the article: "Beware of deals in parachutes, brain surgery and tattoos," said Miller Cotton, a tattoo parlor owner.")

the bricks

in the car, on the way home from preschool today, kate asked me if she could watch the bricks on tv.

me: the bricks?

kate: uh-huh. the bricks.

me: the bricks??

kate: the bricks!

me: what are the bricks? when have you seen them?

kate: i saw them yesterday, mommy.

me (thinking, thinking, thinking): do you mean the flintSTONES?

kate: um....yes!


the bricks. lol.

the first lie

kate lied to me for the first time this morning. she took some blocks away from jack and when i asked her if she apologized (knowing full well that she didn't), she hung her head and said 'yes'. i asked her again if she had apologized and she just looked at me.

how do you explain to a 3-year-old what a lie is? and is it normal for my heart to be breaking into pieces over this?

what would you do...

...if you could not fail? have you ever heard that before? i have. always thought it was slightly cheesy. i'm not one for INSPIRATION. don't like those posters that say 'Success' or Perseverance' and have dramatic photographs of sunrises. but this one - "what would you do if you could not fail?" has been in my thoughts lately.

i know what i would do. i would be a photographer. i love photography. i've loved it since i took my first photography class in 7th grade. i've loved it since the first time i loaded a film canister in the dark (so much harder than it sounds. this is why i love digital cameras). i've loved it since the first time i put a blank piece of paper in the developer and saw a picture emerge. from a blank piece of paper. it was thrilling.

but like everything else in life, passions get pushed aside. kids, a dog, a family...they all compete for my time and photography is just a hobby to keep me from going crazy on those long winter days when it is too cold or too windy/rainy/snowy to take the kids outside.

but the biggest reason i'm afraid to do it is because i'm afraid that i won't love it anymore. i'm afraid that the business of photography will take away the joy. this happened with my design work. i loved designing invites and cards (and the occasional website) for friends. but as it became a business, it became a major source of stress in my life. instead of friends, i had clients. instead of taking my time i had deadlines. and i slowly stopped doing it. i stopped taking on new jobs, stopped advertising my products and stopped telling people that i designed.

so maybe the question isn't what would i do if i could not fail, but what would i do if i would always have a passion for it.

missing

jeff found out on monday that one of his friends is missing. he had been trying to call him for a few days to get his social security number; this friend had done some work for jeff's company this year and jeff needed the ssn for tax purposes. he hadn't heard back from him so he started calling mutual friends and no one else had heard from him, either.

jeff finally found one friend who knew what happened to him. i can't get into specifics, but he's missing on purpose. he's running away from something. just picked up and left. left his family and friends and life. and even though i can understand being scared in his situation, i can't understand running away from it. his life isn't in danger. no one wants to hurt him. but the responsibility he's running away from is enormous and it makes me sad to think that this person whom i knew and liked would do something like this.

jeff keeps telling me we don't know the whole story. and he's right. but we know enough to know that he's taking the coward's way out. and that makes me sad. makes me wonder if we ever really know people we think we know. jeff has known this friend for over 10 years...they used to work together. they used to live together. and they've kept in touch. he was an employee of jeff's for a few months this year. i even set him up on a date with one of my friends.

and now it seems we never really knew him and may never hear from him again.

why i love him

jeff told me to pick a hotel in baltimore this weekend so i could get away by myself. he's got a number of bachelor parties coming up in the next few months which means i'll be solo parenting (and taking care of the dog) for a few weekends.

so, i chose a hotel that is a little stuffier than i wanted but is in the middle of the "arts" district so i can walk to museums and art galleries. originally i was going to leave saturday morning and come back on sunday. just an overnighter to get away and get refreshed (trust me, i need it).

well, i got an email from jeff and he booked me two nights. friday and saturday night.

this is why i love him.

meet the blogger

email from my mom

my mom (who lives in ohio) sent this to me. it's from a six-year-old.

"Where does my grandmother live? Oh, at the airport. When we want her we go to the airport and get her, and when we are finished with her, we just bring her back there."

ain't that the truth

a moment

i had a moment this morning. have you ever had one? it's one of those times when for just a moment, everything feels right. there's no pressure, no deadlines, no sleepless nights or screaming children. no dogs peeing on the floor or popcorn burned in the microwave.

the kids (well, jack) woke up at the ass crack of dawn today. 5:30am. (A!M!) so we had eaten, read the paper, gotten dressed and were out the door by 8:15am. i took the kids and the dog to a playground at an elementary school not far from us. it's a great playground because most people go to the big one in centennial park and that one is always packed with older, unruly children on a nice day. the elementary school playground was deserted and maggie could run around the fields.

so the moment. i was sitting on a bench with maggie at my feet chomping on some bark. kate and jack were running around the playground. kate was being the sweet older sister and helping jack climb up stairs and encouraging him ("good boy jack!") when he went down the slide. they were laughing at games only they understood. the weather was beautiful...chilly enough for a jacket but not for a hat or gloves.

as i was sitting there watching all of this and taking it in, i realized that years ago in my early twenties, this was my worst nightmare. marriage, kids, the dog (the white picket fence). i was going to travel the world and live an exciting, meaningful, purposeful life. in my youthful arrogance, i would never have thought that life could be so good, and real and meaningful just sitting on a bench with your dog, watching your kids play together.

and you know what? it's about 10 million times better than the best i thought it could ever be.

great post

check out the recent post over on finding blanche: "satisfied?". i couldn't agree with her more.

risk

a good friend of mine was laid off from her job yesterday. it came as a very big shock, especially after 7 years of glowing performance reviews and annual raises. her theory is that it has more to do with some recent and ongoing conflict with her boss rather than the "streamlining" excuse HR gave her.

regardless, she got a very nice severance package and although i encouraged her to take the next 5 months off and enjoy it, she will have a job very soon. she's got a few interviews in the works (already!) and any company would be crazy not to snap her up. she's great at what she does and she's honest, responsible and reliable.

but this made me think last night about risk. when jeff started his company almost three years ago, several well meaning friends and family members voiced their concern about the risk of starting a small business. and they were right to do so. it is risky to go out on your own. but is it any less risky than working for a company whose loyalty is to the bottom line? jeff and i have so much more control over our finances and our future because we are the ones making the decisions. jeff is the boss. period. he's not subject to the whims of second rate middle managers making less than informed decisions. he doesn't have the politics and backstabbing and office gossip mill to deal with. he makes a decision and that's it. if the company fails, it's on his terms and because of his decisions. not because someone else made them for him.

something to think about...

snack attack

jeff, kate and i were upstairs this afternoon when jack managed to slip away without us noticing. about ten minutes later, jeff and i realized that no one was crying or screaming or trying to climb up our legs so we quickly ran downstairs to see what kind of trouble he'd gotten into.

this is how we found him. up to his elbows in pirate booty. it might be time to move the snack shelf higher up in the pantry.

word to the wise

don't get a new puppy in the winter. trust me on this one.

(and for that matter, don't have kids in the winter, either. send them to boarding school. schlepping kids across a parking lot in the rain to take them to preschool just plain sucks.)

growing like a weed

my three-year-old daughter, kate, take growth hormone shots to help her grow. she was diganosed as SGA/IUGR (small for gestational age/interuterine growth restriction) when she was two years old. she was born small (4 pounds, 14 ounces at 36.5 weeks) and never caught up.

so she had her checkup with her endocrinologist yesterday; she goes every three months. she's grown another inch since her last visit in october which makes her 36 inches tall. that makes 4 inches of growth in the 9 months she's been on norditropin and means for the first time in her short life, she is on the growth chart. she's officially in the 5th percentile for height. her weight is still really low (22 pounds, 8 ounces) which means she's not even close to being on the chart but the doctor isn't concerned. everything else is normal so the weight will come.

we really struggled with the decision to start growth hormones which means giving her a shot every night. but it has been nothing but a positive experience. kate can now ride a bike, get on the toilet by herself, get herself a cup of water from the fridge and finally wear toddler clothing. it's still really hard to find clothes that fit her; her height makes her a 2T but her weight makes her 12-18 months. try finding a pair of jeans for that build. oy.

once a preemie, always a preemie

you'd think, a year and a half after jack was born, that i could read articles about preemies without tearing up. but i can't. once you've had a preemie, you're connected to other preemie parents in a way you can't imagine. it's like anything else...parents of kids who have cancer or parents who have lost a child or adults who've lost a spouse. when you've been through it, you have a deep well of compassion for others who've been through it. having a preemie made me a member of a club i never wanted to be a member of.

but jack is healthy and if you didn't know he was a preemie, you'd never know he was born six and a half weeks early and spent 5 weeks in the nicu. you wouldn't know he came home on a heart monitor and was on it for 2 months. and you wouldn't know that for the first month he was home, he was on three different medications to make sure he kept remembering to breathe.

too old to die?

this article from cnn.com caught my attention this morning.

just last week i was talking to a friend about capital punishment and our feelings about it. i'm against the death penalty. i don't think killing people who killed people is the way to show that killing is wrong. that being said, i've never lost anyone close to me to violent crime and i don't know what the answer is. lifelong incarceration is expensive and without rehabilitation programs, what's the point? as a parent, i punish my children when they misbehave but i also try to make sure they learn from their mistakes. does locking criminals up teach them anything except try not to get caught?

i digress. my friend told me that he is in favor of the death penalty as long as they execute the person right away. no languishing on death row for years and years. his example was the former crips founder, tookie williams, who was recently executed. my friend's argument was that tookie changed dramatically during his stint on death row and became an outspoken advocate of non-violence. should he have been killed for crimes he committed years ago when he was a different person? should the changes he made in prison negate the punishment for his original crimes?

i don't think so. but i agree with my friend that if we're going to have the death penalty (and jeez, i wish we didn't), then it ought to be swift. what's the point of executing a 76-year-old man? i suppose if i was a family member or friend of the people he killed/arranged to kill i would feel differently. i don't know the answer...

i love this

i've bought a lot of toy storage containers over the past three years. metal bins, pop up crates, mesh bags...you name it. i finally found the best of the best at ikea. i bought three of these a few months ago for kate's room and just went back and bought ten more today for jack's room and other storage uses. they're great for storing the dog rags (the ones we use to wipe up all the pee and poop), bath towels in the kids' bathroom and the random clutter that seems to gather in the corners of our family room.

funny t shirt

i'm going to order this t shirt from white trash palace

four things

i saw this on another blog i read. thought it was a neat idea so even though i wasn't tagged, i'm doing it:

four jobs you have had in your life:
1. tennis club attendant
2. home builder (through habitat for humanity after college. i worked 8 hours a day building houses. i wish i remembered more of the stuff i learned instead of having to hire people to do stuff in my house)
3. front desk attendant at a halfway house for felons
4. HR rep

four movies you would watch over and over:
1. shawshank redemption
2. stepmom
3. pillow talk
4. good morning vietnam

four places you have lived:
1. seattle, wa
2. americus, ga
3. cary, nc
4. poughkeepsie, ny

four TV shows you love to watch:
1. LOST
2. the office
3. extreme makeover home edition
4. grey's anatomy

four places you have been on vacation:
1. antigua
2. sanibel island, fl
3. friday harbor, wa
4. vancouver (canada, not washington)

four websites I visit daily:
1. finding blanche
2. bits and pieces
3. dooce
4. ?

four of my favorite foods:
1. sushi
2. chocolate chip cookies
3. pagliacci pizza (only in seattle, wa)
4. rotel dip

four places I would rather be right now:
1. any place without a 9 week old puppy

poop, poop and more poop

the dog pooped in her crate. i thought she was just whining because she wanted to come out and play. as soon as i cleaned that up, i took the kids upstairs to take a bath and jack had a diaper full of poop waiting for me. judas priest, i'm up to my ears in poop and i'm so tired of it.

whose idea was it to get a dog, anyway?

morality

the new york times magazine had an interesting story about the minimum wage being a moral issue. i love the nyt magazine but sometimes the articles are too highbrow or political and don't interest me. but this one...about a movement in santa fe to raise the minimum wage to a living wage caught my eye. is raising the minimum wage a moral issue, like propronents argue? is making sure that people who work full time can make a living salary a moral issue or a legal issue? i don't know the answer. the liberal do-gooder in me says of course it is. these are people and they deserve to make a living just like anyone else. the wife of a small business owner side of me, though, thinks about the impact on business that raising the minimum wage would have. higher wages mean less profit which means....what for me? my husband's business doesn't employ hourly workers, just a few salary employees. but i can see the argument that high wages means less money in the pocket of the owners which means less for *their* families. in a capitalist, democratic society, isn't it every person for themselves? is it our job to provide for all members of society (the haves helping the have nots) or is it everyone's responsibility to make their own way? should my husband, who worked hard in college and got good grades and worked for years before starting his own business have to help other people who made other choices in their lives? does raising the minimum wage address larger social issues or does it only solve a piece of the puzzle? and is that all it's supposed to do?

i don't know the answer. but i don't think it's a moral issue. because whose morals are we talking about?