having it all

i tivo the oprah show every day but only watch it a few times per week; i don't care about bob green's new diet or about how oprah got her dogs under control with help from cesar milan.

but today the topic was the friction between working moms and stay at home moms. the question being asked was 'can women have it all?'. elizabeth vargas started off explaining why she left her job when she got pregnant. the rest of the show was working moms and stay at home moms talking about the choices they've made and the guilt and regrets they both have. the working moms felt guilt for not being home for all the milestones and the stay at home moms regret giving up so much of themselves for their kids. and of course there were the us vs. them battles where women on opposite sides made snide remarks about the other's choices.

i watched the entire show and at the end of it i was struck with one thought: the question shouldn't be 'can women have it all?', but 'what does it mean to have it all?'. why does having it all mean being super mom and ceo of a company? why can't having it all mean working part time? or working full time and being fine with it? or being a stay at home and not regretting it? just as the question for men has changed from being 'are you successful?' to 'what is your definition of succesfull?', the questions needs to change for women.

me? i personally think the current definition of having it all (working a full-time, high paying, high powered career AND being a mom) is an impossible feat. i think you can do one or the other very well or do both decently.

the other question that struck me was when oprah asked the panel of women 'what is best for the children?' and you know what i think? i think the best thing for the kids is a mother who is comfortable with her decision and happy with the balance in her life. whether it's working full-time, part-time or staying home, our kids need to see their mothers as happy, fulfilled people. how that happens is different for everyone and no one can judge someone else for their choice.