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jeff and i went to a party friday night. the hostesses house was beautiful - much larger than ours and beautifully decorated. jeff would love to move to a bigger house but i keep saying that our house is big enough and even though it's not our dream house, we're still very lucky to have it and to live in the neighborhood and community that we do. we should be thankful that we have what we have and be done with it.

but friday night.
sigh.
i was jealous.
as i stood in the hostesses kitchen, i couldn't help notice that it was about twice the size of ours and that her appliances were all nicer than ours. her furniture was beautiful and every room was decorated (as opposed to our house where our living room and dining room still have our old castoffs because we don't have the money right now to buy all new furniture).

i hate being jealous, especially because i know how fortunate jeff and i are. i've worked for several non-profits and have seen people who are truly struggling. i've met families who live in garages without running water or electricity. how dare i be jealous of someone who has a bigger house than me?

it makes me sick.

it's a struggle to balance what i know is right for me with what i see is right for other people. i don't want to always want more. i want what i have to be enough.

it's hard sometimes.

today

jeff and i packed up the kids, went in to DC and had a picnic lunch on the mall today.

it was a great 33rd birthday.

i can't see

jeff and i went out to dinner with his parents last night to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday. had a fantastic meal at trapeze where we drank two bottles of wine.

somewhere between my third glass of wine and this morning, i lost my glasses. can't find them anywhere. and i can't drive without them. i scrounged up a pair of old glasses that aren't the right prescription but allow me to at least see the road and avoid rear ending the car in front of me.

sigh.

5th anniversary

today is our 5th wedding anniversary. three houses, two cats, a dog and two kids later we are celebrating 5 years. seems hard to believe.

happy anniversary, jeff.
i loved you like mad on our wedding day.
i love you even more today.

jack jack

broke the seal

there's a store in the mall called libby lu and it's like claire's on acid. it hurts my eyes just to walk past the store and, until today, i'd been successful in avoiding it when kate was with me.

but today i was in a good mood and she was looking particularly cute and she'd gotten herself dressed this morning so i figured what the heck.

we went in.

oy.

kate was in heaven. heaven. everything was pink and purple and glittery and sparkely. even jack loved it (which is a whole different issue...). i don't remember liking this stuff as a young kid. i remember liking trucks and dirt and playing in the woods. am i forgetting what it was like to be a little girl or is my daughter the polar opposite of me?



(this was the least offensive item i could find in the store and she actually needed a new headband. me? i'd have gotten a nice, subtle, thin tortoise shell headband. kate? the more garish the better.

thoreau

found this card in a store today and it resonated with me. i've seen the quote before but this was the right quote at the right time:

"go confidently in the directions of your dreams! live the life you've imagined."

why do so many of us dream of living our lives somewhere or some way but never do it? do we realized that this is it? our one and only life? the only shot we get?

as i've been ramping up, trying to start my photography business, i've been thinking about this a lot. i look at other photographer's web sites and drool over their work. i start to feel like my work is completely unoriginal and subpar. but you know what? it's what i love to do. and i've got to try it. i don't have to worry about feeding my family with this business and if it's a colossal flop, then so be it.

i'm constantly telling kate that she has to try: has to try to reach the high shelf or try to turn her pajamas right side in or try to brush her teeth all by herself. i tell her over and over that it doesn't matter if she can do it, but she has to try.

time to take my own advice.

pet peeve

nordstrom does not have an S at the end.

it's not nordstroms. it's nordstrom. period. no s.

argh.

do you say the gaps? or j.crews? or ann taylors?

no s.

t-shirt nirvana

run and buy this t-shirt.

it's fantastic.
fan-TAS-tic.

(the picture makes it look like it's loose fitting, but it's totally not. the medium is the perfect snugness)

i have a hard time finding clothes. i want to look young and hip but i don't want to look like an (almost) 33-year-woman trying to look 18. i'm slowly accepting the fact that i am not tall, thin and willowy. that no matter what i weigh, i will always have a an athletic build. it's just the way i am.

so i decided to try a new tack this spring: instead of hitting the mall and the same 4 stores i always shop at (where i only find ill-fitting clothes), i bought some clothes from women's athletic/sporting companies: athleta, title 9, patagonia, ll bean.

these tshirts are from patagonia and they are the tshirts i've been searching for my entire life. you know how most people have the perfect little black dress? my mom and i have the perfect little white tshirt. and it's a constant and never ending search to find it.

i love this tshirt. i know it's silly to be this excited about a shirt, but good lord, when something fits and looks good and makes me look skinny, i have to give props. (and mom, i know you totally understand) :)

just thinking

know what's cool about photography? that two different people can look at the same photo and see or feel two completely different things.

case in point: my photo shoot yesterday morning. i posted one of my favorite photos from the shoot on my photo blog. the client who i did the photos for posted her favorite photo from the shoot on her blog. and they are two different photos.

the photo she posted is one that i wasn't sure i was going to even include in the album. from a technical standpoint, it's not that strong - there are shadowy faces, an awkward crop...but she still saw something in that photo of her husband and sons that touched her.

i think that's cool. and it reminds me not to be so quick to delete photos i don't like from a shoot.

you never know who will like them.

argh.

i was supposed to have a photo shoot at 4pm today. all weekend they've been calling for thunderstorms today so i've been keeping an eye on the weather. around noon, it started to sprinkle so i called the family i was supposed to be meeting and left a message that we would have to cancel and reschedule.

it's now 4pm and guess what? it's sunny out. beautiful. would have been great weather for a photo shoot. i wasn't sure if i should have called them back and asked if they still wanted to do it...is it better to just leave it at rescheduling rather than call them 50 times to try to figure out what we're doing?

i don't know the answer. there's a lot more to photography than just taking pictures.

sigh.

reshoot

getting ready to go do a photo session with the scherer family. i took photos of them a few weeks ago (photos here), but it was raining and we had to shoot indoors which is definitely not something i'm good at. we're going to go take photos down at the lakefront today and i'm really excited about it.

i wonder if i'll continue to be excited about doing photos shoots or, if at some point, it will become so routine that it will seem like a chore.

i hope not. i love doing this.

today

my new favorite snack

fresh blueberries, vanilla yogurt and crushed nilla wafers in a bowl.

y.u.m.

clothes that fit

spring is here and with the warmer weather comes my annual shopping trip for summer clothes that fit.

it's hell.

when did designers decide that all women my age are rail thin and want to wear sheer tops? i'm not talking about the junior department (gawd, i haven't shopped there in years). i'm talking the 'savvy' department at nordstrom. you know, the department for women who are out of juniors but not quite ready for the boxier cuts of the women's department? the savvy department is just a more expensive version of the juniors department.

i don't mind tight jeans, but i don't want to wear them with a skin tight shirt. hello? i've had two kids. my lowers abs are soft and roll over the top of my jeans. is it too much to ask for a shirt that hides the rolls?

and shorts. lord, the shorts this year. in case you hadn' noticed, bermuda shorts are in. which in itself isn't a bad thing - i like the longer length. BUT. the cut of them (everywhere) is ridiculously slim. ri-DIC-ulously slim. i have meaty thighs and, as my trainer likes to say, a big pokey (butt). i do NOT fit into these slimslimslim shorts.

am i just getting old and large or are the clothes out there just sized way too small? i don't mind going up in size - i don't! - but being 5'2" means that they swim on me.

what's a girl to do? i just ordered 7 various skirts from ll bean. still on the hunt for tshirts that are fitted but don't show every roll of my bra fat.

argh.

almost

catching up

been a busy week between passover (my sister-in-law makes THE best macaroons. hands down, no contest. i was still full both mornings from stuffing myself with them the previous nights) and photo shoots. had two clients this weekend; photos are here (evans family and snyder family).

the coolest thing about really pursuing photography isn't the photos or the experience. it's getting to know so many different kinds of people. i am, by nature, fairly shy. i'm not very social (thank goodness jeff likes to make plans and invite people to do things or else we'd never go anywhere) and photographing people forces me to get out and meet new people. the family i took photos of saturday morning - the evans family - were so fantastic. i liked megan right away and we're even going to try to get together for lunch this week. how cool is that?

being a photographer (can i call myself that yet?) feels almost like being a voyeur. i get to know my clients, if only for an hour or two, on a very intimate level. i am in their houses...talking to their children...it's unlike any other job (and really, it's not a job. it boggles my mind to think that one day i could actually get PAID to do this. b-o-g-g-l-e-s the mind).

so i guess all of this is a good sign. a sign that maybe i can actually make a go of this photography thing. i've been online since the kids went down for their naps (hallelujah) looking at upgrading my camera. when i got it last year, i thought it was the be all end all and couldn't believe i'd splurged so much on a toy. and now all i can see is that my photos aren't as sharp as they could be, that i don't have as much control over the white balance as i'd like and that i really need an 85mm lens.

i'll get there. one day.

one year

yesterday marked one year that kate has been on growth hormones to help her grow.

april 12, 2005
age: 2 1/2
size 6-12 months
height: 31.5 inches
weight: 22 pounds

april 13, 2006
age: 3 1/2
size 2T-3T
height: 36.5 inches
weight: 24 pounds

click here to see a photo of kate taken one year ago and one taken today.

happy birthday, dad

my dad turned 59 this morning. which means that next year he'll be 60. how did that happen? i know 60 is the new 40 or something like that, but still. MY dad is almost SIXTY? wow.

when my brothers and i were growing up, we'd ask my dad what he wanted for his birthday. every year he'd say something like 'for you to get good grades' or 'for you to be more responsible' or, his favorite, 'for peace and quiet'. and every year my brothers and i would roll our eyes and say 'no, really. what do you want?'. we thought he was such a dork about that.

but now, as a parent myself, i get it. finally, i get it. it's too late for good grades or to be more responsible (i've got responsibility coming out my ears, now) or even for peace and quiet. so i hope it's enough that he knows that i understand, now. i understand and i appreciate it. all of it.

love you, dad. xoxoxxoxo

this one's for my mom

(see what he's eating, mom? see that little green thing sticking out of his mouth? it's SALAD. which is green. and a vegetable.)

xoxoxoxox