getting dressed

kate gets herself dressed pretty often these days. for the most part, her wardrobe is pretty basic so everything goes with everything else.

but today.

she came downstairs as we were getting ready to go out to run errands and she had this on:





















she was so proud of herself.

kate: mommy! do you like my outfit?

me: um, well....um, do YOU like your outfit?

kate: i love it! i look so pretty! i'm going to wear my pink sneakers, too!

i'm going to save this photo until she's 12 and only wants to wear what all her friends are wearing.

SEATTLE

jeff just booked four plane tickets to seattle in august (and since we are using amex points, we booked first class!). we haven't been back to visit since we moved in 2001 and i am beyond excited about going back. it will be totally different since we're going to see it with the kids, but both of us wanted to bring them. kate and jack won't care about seeing seeing elliott bay from the viaduct as we drive in from the airport. they won't care about seeing the first condo jeff and i lived in or walking around pike place market. they'll be bored out of their minds when we poke around the funky shops in fremont and they won't have the same warm rush of nostalgia when we take the ferry to bainbridge island. but jeff and i will and we can't wait to go back to the place it all started with the kids who made us a family.

b-a-l-t-i-m-o-r-e

jack was wearing his nantucket sweatshirt today and at one point he looked down and read off the letters:

jack: n-a-n-t-u-c-k-e-t

i got all proud motherish thinking how smart my not-quite-three-and-a-half-year-old-son was, what with reading all the letters and UPSIDE DOWN NO LESS.

me (beaming with pride): that's right! what do those letters spell?

jack (proudly): baltimore!

proud mommy was promptly deflated.

musings

i feel guilty a lot. guilty that i have two healthy children. guilty that i have a great relationship with my husband. guilty that i have a new house with new furniture and no debt hanging over my head. guilty that my life is so fantastic.

i know.

i KNOW.

it's ridiculous. i should be thankful. and i AM. very much so. but i also have this nagging, creeping guilt because i didn't do anything to deserve any of this. nothing. nada. i'd like to think that the years i spent volunteering and working for non-profits paved the way for this good karma but really, i know that's not true. because just like bad things happen for no reason, so do good things. it's just that i have a much easier time accepting the bad things. i don't know why. blame it on my parents for teaching me that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. for teaching me that good things come as a result of hard work. that nothing good comes easy. valuable lessons, yes. lessons i hope to teach my own kids, in fact. but lessons that leave me wondering why the hell i've been so lucky in my life and when the other shoe is going to drop.

kind of depressing, isn't it?

better you than me

so I've mentioned that I'm chairing a fundraiser for a non-profit I'm involved with. The local hospital is our partner in the fundraiser; we take turns staffing the booth and we split the profits when its all over.

Its supposed to sleeet and snow on Saturday and all I can think is that I am SO glad its the hospital's day to run the booth. The last thing I want to deal with is 47 phone calls from all our volunteers saying they can't make their shifts. No, instead I'll be outside with my kids and neighbors sledding and building snowmen.

It will be a much needed break :)

finally

for the first time in weeks i feel like i can breathe again. my conversion is done, my tubes are tied (did i tell you about that? i had this procedure done), my photography holiday rush is over and even gift wrap is (knock on wood) running smoothly.

i actually have time to eat and shower and i can't wait for the kids to get home from school so we can spend some time together (i've been pawning them off on 'barbie as the island princess' and 'high school musical').

i had time today to run errands not associated with gift wrap or photography, i picked up a few new home decorating magazines and i actually sat down with those magazines and drank a cup of hot chocolate in front of my fake fire. i almost felt guilty :)

jack'isms

this morning: jack was getting dressed and was having a hard time getting his sweatshirt on. he couldn't get his arms in the sleeves and as he threw the sweatshirt on the floor he said, 'mommy! the sleeves aren't PAYING ATTENTION!'

this afternoon: i dragged the poor kid all over creation this morning running errands. as a reward, i took him to red robin for lunch. it was packed and we were squeezed in between two other tables with barely enough room to stand between the tables. the woman next to us was wearing a head scarf and jack pointed to it and said (very loudly), 'mommy - that lady is a pirate!' either the woman didn't hear us or she very politely ignored us.

jack.

sigh.

#(%*#$&

you know what really pisses me off? people who critize the way you do a job that they themselves don't want to do. if you don't want to do the job, then shut the F up and let me do it my way.

@#)*#$%(#$%(*!

that time of year

last year i volunteered to help run a major fundraiser for an organization i'm involved with. wendy and i did it together and we both swore up, down and sideways that we wouldn't do it again this year. i guess wendy is smarter than i am because i volunteered to run it (alone) this year. and truthfully, it hasn't been a big deal. i knew the routine, knew what to do and things are running much smoother (for me) than last year. i was even thinking the other day that i might volunteer to do it next year, too.

but today? today it all hit me. it's not just the fundraiser, which starts friday and runs through christmas eve, but the fact that this is my busiest time of year with photo sessions. i have twice as many clients as last year and their orders are much larger this year (a very nice problem to have!). today i have to be at the mall with all the supplies (all of which haven't even arrived yet) AND order photos AND proof three client sessions - each of which takes a few hours.

today i'm questioning my sanity and wishing i had not taken on the fundraiser. i know it will be fine and that everything will work itself out. it always does - one way or another. but today - right now - my stomach is in knots, i'm short tempered with the kids and i'm wondering how i'm going to get 48 hours worth of work done in 24 hours.

oy.

thanksgiving photos

i posted some photos from thanksgiving over on my photography blog.

more photos (and posts) to come soon.

i promise :)

national holiday

when kate was done with dinner tonight, she walked over to me, gave me a hug and said 'happy almost jewish day, mommy.' we're going to the mikvah tomorrow where i'll become jewish and kate is beyond happy about it.

almost jewish day? maybe it *should* be a national holiday.

i'm it

wendy tagged me to write about certain topics in blocks of 8. here we go:

8 passions in my life
jeff
kate
jack
photography
traveling
reading
good sushi
home design

8 things to do before I die
lose those stubborn 15 pounds
take a cruise on the QE2
fly first class to another country
own my own natural light photography studio
create a philanthropic foundation with jeff
retire to manhattan
learn to stop feeling guilty
travel to a third world country with jeff and the kids


8 things I often say
maggie! in your crate!
you're my favorite girl in the whole world
you're my favorite boy in the whole world
stop snoring
jack, do you have a poop in your pull up?
put your jackets and shoes on. now!
i love you
sorry i didn't call you back

8 Books I read recently
i was born on a blue wednesday
lost: in search of six of six million
lost and found
a long way from home
henri cartier-bresson: the man, the image and the world
?
?
?

8 songs that mean something to me
by your side
infinite eyes (keb 'mo version)
blackbird (kenny rankin version)
live like you were dying
right here waiting for you (i know. gag.)
?
?
?


8 Qualities I look for in a friend
mildly sarcastic
doesn't mind cussing
laughs a lot
down to earth
honest
if a parent, someone who isn't afraid to discipline their kids
is happy with their life the way it is
cares about improving the world around them

ugh. uggs.

i know i'm about, oh, 8 years behind on this trend but i just got my first pair of uggs and i'm in love.

in.
love.

i needed a pair of shoes to wear outside in the mornings to let maggie out. in our old house, we had an invisible fence so i would just open the door and let her out. we don't have one in the new house (mostly because we have no yard in which to fence her in). so every morning jeff or i have to walk outside in the alley and walk maggie into the field behind our house and wait while she does her business.

i've been wearing my slippers most mornings but then i end up tracking dirt back into the house. so i went looking for a pair of light, cozy boot type shoes to wear in the mornings.

enter uggs.

i tried them on reluctantly. but as soon as i put them on, i knew i had to have them. had to have five pairs. in every style and color available (i only bought one pair, in the chocolate brown).

i still think they are butt ugly and i won't wear them anywhere but the field behind our house. but they make walking the dog so much more enjoyable in the morning. i'm eyeing a pair of snow boots, too...

halloween parade

our neighborhood had a halloween parade yesterday. all the kids and parents walked up the main street in the neighborhood and ended up at the big lawn. the garden club was selling cider and treats to raise money to plant new tulips beds and the kids ran around hyped up on sugar. after the parade, everyone piled into the clubhouse for a carnival - there were a few games and some arts and crafts. there was a costume contest and even a magician. at the end, all the kids got goodie bags. it was a great, great event and the kids had a blast (jeff and i enjoyed it, too).

some photos:

snow camels

last night as i was putting on jack's pajamas after his bath, we started talking about the colder weather and how winter would be here in a few months.

jack: is it going to snow?

me: maybe. sometimes it snows during the winter and sometimes it doesn't

jack: will you go with me in the snow so i'm not scared?

me: what is scary about the snow?

jack: the snow camels.

me: the snow camels??

jack: YES! the snow camels.

me: what are snow camels?

jack: you know, the camels with the horns on their heads in the snow.

me: (thinking, thinking, thinking) do you mean reindeer?

jack: um, yes! weindeer!


tell me where on earth that kid got snow camels from reindeer.

new jew

so about two years ago i started thinking about converting to judaism. not necessarily because i think it's the "right" religion or because i've done an intense soul searching. it's simply because my family is jewish and i want to be a part of that.

jeff and i live a jewish life, meaning we don't celebrate christian holidays and we are raising kate and jack jewish. the kids will go to hebrew school and have bar and bat mitzvahs. it's the deal we made before we got engaged; jeff said it was important to him to raise his kids jewish and i said, 'eh. fine by me. religion is religion.'

when jeff and i got married, people asked me a lot if i was going to convert. i always said that i wasn't planning on it but that if the time came when i wanted to or felt the need to that i would.

and now that time has come. or came two years ago. kate was in her first year at a jewish preschool and she was coming home with all sorts of projects i knew nothing about (the lulav and the etrog? i had no idea what these were or why she made them in class). for the first time i began to see a division between me and my family. they were jewish and i was not.

and then hurricane katrina hit new orleans. i was so moved by the jewish community's response and heard for the first time about the jewish concept of tikkun olam: repair the world. it spoke deeply to the part of me that values volunteer work and the idea of helping others. i decided that i wanted to convert.

the journey the past two years has had starts and stops. i thought i wanted to join a temple and be mentored by the rabbi there but he never returned my calls and i found out later that he took a sabbatical from the congregation to teach a congregation down south somewhere. which left me back at the beginning. i always thought the converting would require a year or so of studying and learning and the thought of a year of school slowed my fervor to convert.

i took an intro to judaism class in the spring at the temple where the kids go to preschool. i'd never been a fan of the rabbi there but in a classroom setting and one-on-one, i saw him in a new light and realized he wasn't as aloof and removed as i had always thought.

so. i made an appointment for this morning to talk to him about converting. i thought i'd go in and we'd talk about setting up a study course and he would tell me how hard it was going to be and how long it was going to take. instead, he asked me how i came about the decision to convert and then told me what would happen. turns out i don't need to do any (more) studying. he said the fact that i've been living a jewish life is far more valuable than any studying i could do (of course, the fact that i took the intro class didn't hurt).

so i filled out my application to convert and just need to decide on my hebrew name. the rabbi is going to contact two baltimore rabbis to make up the beit din. then i go through the mikvah and voila - i'm a jew.

i can't believe it's happening so quickly. it could be just a few weeks; the rabbi said the hardest part was coordinating three rabbi's schedules.

so there you go. from catholic, to home churched, to born-again, to jewish. maybe this one will stick.

the kids

i've been struggling with being a parent lately. not just being a parent, but parenting my two kids. i wake up in the mornings hoping it won't be another day of jack crying and whining about the fact that he had to wake up and breathe today and that kate won't answer with a stifled scream to every question i ask her. is it something about the ages of 3 and 5? the physically demanding part of being a parent to a newborn is long gone but in its place is the mentally exhausting chore of trying to raise two whine-free, responsible, happy kids.

and i seem to be failing miserably.

it seems that all kate thinks about or talks about (or, let's be truthful here, whines about) is that someone has something that she doesn't have or jack got to do something that she didn't and IT'S. NOT. FAIR. nothing is fair. the poor child has the most miserable existence any kid could have what with the three meals and two snacks she gets daily, the closet full of clothes and the toys she has to play with. how do you teach a 5-year-old to be thankful? seriously. what is an age appropriate way to teach them? do i take her to volunteer at a homeless shelter? would she even understand that? do i take her on a walking tour of east baltimore and hope we don't get shot in the process of showing her the boarded up houses and the homeless people wandering the streets? HOW do i teach her? because right now i just want to throw out all her clothes and toys and make her live in the garage to wipe that smug smile of entitlement off her face.

and jack? good lord. jack is just another can of worms. his teachers love him. other parents think he's adorable and funny and entertaining. so why is he a whining, miserable mess at home? i know he's got it rough what with his own room and a playroom full of toys and endless viewings of the jungle book and high school musical. but still.

how do you give your kids things without also giving them a sense of entitlement? we don't buy our kids everything they want. but we do give them a lot. do i stop buying things we want to buy them just to prove a point? i don't know. i just know that whatever i'm doing isn't working.

or am i being unrealistic that a 3 and a 5 year old should be mature enough to grasp the concepts of being thankful and giving to others?

help?

back in the saddle

it's been a while since the last time i blogged. life got busy, the kids got needy and blogging was just the last on a long list of things i needed/wanted to do.

the thing is, i've wanted to post for a few weeks but felt the pressure of jumping back in after a long absence. like, the return post had to be profound or insightful or ridiculously funny. and nothing i had to blog about was any of those things.

so, instead, i'm just plunging in. ripping off the band-aid. getting back on the horse.

here's hoping this sparks some more posts.

confession

i listen to the high school musical soundtrack even when my kids aren't around.

i know.




i KNOW.

new photography website

i'm so excited that my new photography website is launching (hopefully!) in the next day or two! check it out at anna elliott photography.

the new blog is also up and running and you can see it here.