13 all over again.

we've lived in our community for just over two years, now. when kate started preschool this year, we really started meeting people and making friends. it's been really nice.

but.

i'm starting to feel suffocated. i'm starting to feel like i'm 13 and in junior high again. worried about whether the popular girls will like me, if they'll make fun of my clothes or think i'm just hopelessly uncool.

i'm almost 33 years old. i have two kids and a fantastic husband. why the hell do i care what people think of me? i ran into a few woman at the coffee shop this morning. i recently met one of them and she is really nice (and actually knows my husband from a previous job). the other two women with her seemed nice, too. but as i was standing in line with jack, in my workout clothes and my frizzy bedhead, i couldn't help but wonder what they thought of me.

isn't that ridiculous?

the whole ride home, i played it over in my mind...did they notice my nervous tic (scrunching my nose)? were they looking at my highlights (i think they're a little too blonde this time around)? did they just think i was a dork?

isn't this self absorbed? i know it is. really, i do. and yet...

i don't know what the point of this post is. just nervous energy, i guess. no, that's not true. the point is this: the more people know me, the more worried i am that i will disappoint them. i suppose that's why i like being by myself - no one to disappoint. no expectations to meet or fail to meet. that's why i feel so suffocated right now. i'm starting to know people. i'm running into people i know at the grocery store and the coffee shop and at mutual friends' parties.

and the more people i know, the more chances there are to disappoint people.

i know my mother is to blame for this, somehow...
(kidding, mom! if you're reading this)