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jeff and i went to a party friday night. the hostesses house was beautiful - much larger than ours and beautifully decorated. jeff would love to move to a bigger house but i keep saying that our house is big enough and even though it's not our dream house, we're still very lucky to have it and to live in the neighborhood and community that we do. we should be thankful that we have what we have and be done with it.

but friday night.
sigh.
i was jealous.
as i stood in the hostesses kitchen, i couldn't help notice that it was about twice the size of ours and that her appliances were all nicer than ours. her furniture was beautiful and every room was decorated (as opposed to our house where our living room and dining room still have our old castoffs because we don't have the money right now to buy all new furniture).

i hate being jealous, especially because i know how fortunate jeff and i are. i've worked for several non-profits and have seen people who are truly struggling. i've met families who live in garages without running water or electricity. how dare i be jealous of someone who has a bigger house than me?

it makes me sick.

it's a struggle to balance what i know is right for me with what i see is right for other people. i don't want to always want more. i want what i have to be enough.

it's hard sometimes.

today

jeff and i packed up the kids, went in to DC and had a picnic lunch on the mall today.

it was a great 33rd birthday.

i can't see

jeff and i went out to dinner with his parents last night to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday. had a fantastic meal at trapeze where we drank two bottles of wine.

somewhere between my third glass of wine and this morning, i lost my glasses. can't find them anywhere. and i can't drive without them. i scrounged up a pair of old glasses that aren't the right prescription but allow me to at least see the road and avoid rear ending the car in front of me.

sigh.

5th anniversary

today is our 5th wedding anniversary. three houses, two cats, a dog and two kids later we are celebrating 5 years. seems hard to believe.

happy anniversary, jeff.
i loved you like mad on our wedding day.
i love you even more today.

jack jack

broke the seal

there's a store in the mall called libby lu and it's like claire's on acid. it hurts my eyes just to walk past the store and, until today, i'd been successful in avoiding it when kate was with me.

but today i was in a good mood and she was looking particularly cute and she'd gotten herself dressed this morning so i figured what the heck.

we went in.

oy.

kate was in heaven. heaven. everything was pink and purple and glittery and sparkely. even jack loved it (which is a whole different issue...). i don't remember liking this stuff as a young kid. i remember liking trucks and dirt and playing in the woods. am i forgetting what it was like to be a little girl or is my daughter the polar opposite of me?



(this was the least offensive item i could find in the store and she actually needed a new headband. me? i'd have gotten a nice, subtle, thin tortoise shell headband. kate? the more garish the better.

thoreau

found this card in a store today and it resonated with me. i've seen the quote before but this was the right quote at the right time:

"go confidently in the directions of your dreams! live the life you've imagined."

why do so many of us dream of living our lives somewhere or some way but never do it? do we realized that this is it? our one and only life? the only shot we get?

as i've been ramping up, trying to start my photography business, i've been thinking about this a lot. i look at other photographer's web sites and drool over their work. i start to feel like my work is completely unoriginal and subpar. but you know what? it's what i love to do. and i've got to try it. i don't have to worry about feeding my family with this business and if it's a colossal flop, then so be it.

i'm constantly telling kate that she has to try: has to try to reach the high shelf or try to turn her pajamas right side in or try to brush her teeth all by herself. i tell her over and over that it doesn't matter if she can do it, but she has to try.

time to take my own advice.

pet peeve

nordstrom does not have an S at the end.

it's not nordstroms. it's nordstrom. period. no s.

argh.

do you say the gaps? or j.crews? or ann taylors?

no s.

t-shirt nirvana

run and buy this t-shirt.

it's fantastic.
fan-TAS-tic.

(the picture makes it look like it's loose fitting, but it's totally not. the medium is the perfect snugness)

i have a hard time finding clothes. i want to look young and hip but i don't want to look like an (almost) 33-year-woman trying to look 18. i'm slowly accepting the fact that i am not tall, thin and willowy. that no matter what i weigh, i will always have a an athletic build. it's just the way i am.

so i decided to try a new tack this spring: instead of hitting the mall and the same 4 stores i always shop at (where i only find ill-fitting clothes), i bought some clothes from women's athletic/sporting companies: athleta, title 9, patagonia, ll bean.

these tshirts are from patagonia and they are the tshirts i've been searching for my entire life. you know how most people have the perfect little black dress? my mom and i have the perfect little white tshirt. and it's a constant and never ending search to find it.

i love this tshirt. i know it's silly to be this excited about a shirt, but good lord, when something fits and looks good and makes me look skinny, i have to give props. (and mom, i know you totally understand) :)

just thinking

know what's cool about photography? that two different people can look at the same photo and see or feel two completely different things.

case in point: my photo shoot yesterday morning. i posted one of my favorite photos from the shoot on my photo blog. the client who i did the photos for posted her favorite photo from the shoot on her blog. and they are two different photos.

the photo she posted is one that i wasn't sure i was going to even include in the album. from a technical standpoint, it's not that strong - there are shadowy faces, an awkward crop...but she still saw something in that photo of her husband and sons that touched her.

i think that's cool. and it reminds me not to be so quick to delete photos i don't like from a shoot.

you never know who will like them.

argh.

i was supposed to have a photo shoot at 4pm today. all weekend they've been calling for thunderstorms today so i've been keeping an eye on the weather. around noon, it started to sprinkle so i called the family i was supposed to be meeting and left a message that we would have to cancel and reschedule.

it's now 4pm and guess what? it's sunny out. beautiful. would have been great weather for a photo shoot. i wasn't sure if i should have called them back and asked if they still wanted to do it...is it better to just leave it at rescheduling rather than call them 50 times to try to figure out what we're doing?

i don't know the answer. there's a lot more to photography than just taking pictures.

sigh.

reshoot

getting ready to go do a photo session with the scherer family. i took photos of them a few weeks ago (photos here), but it was raining and we had to shoot indoors which is definitely not something i'm good at. we're going to go take photos down at the lakefront today and i'm really excited about it.

i wonder if i'll continue to be excited about doing photos shoots or, if at some point, it will become so routine that it will seem like a chore.

i hope not. i love doing this.

today

my new favorite snack

fresh blueberries, vanilla yogurt and crushed nilla wafers in a bowl.

y.u.m.

clothes that fit

spring is here and with the warmer weather comes my annual shopping trip for summer clothes that fit.

it's hell.

when did designers decide that all women my age are rail thin and want to wear sheer tops? i'm not talking about the junior department (gawd, i haven't shopped there in years). i'm talking the 'savvy' department at nordstrom. you know, the department for women who are out of juniors but not quite ready for the boxier cuts of the women's department? the savvy department is just a more expensive version of the juniors department.

i don't mind tight jeans, but i don't want to wear them with a skin tight shirt. hello? i've had two kids. my lowers abs are soft and roll over the top of my jeans. is it too much to ask for a shirt that hides the rolls?

and shorts. lord, the shorts this year. in case you hadn' noticed, bermuda shorts are in. which in itself isn't a bad thing - i like the longer length. BUT. the cut of them (everywhere) is ridiculously slim. ri-DIC-ulously slim. i have meaty thighs and, as my trainer likes to say, a big pokey (butt). i do NOT fit into these slimslimslim shorts.

am i just getting old and large or are the clothes out there just sized way too small? i don't mind going up in size - i don't! - but being 5'2" means that they swim on me.

what's a girl to do? i just ordered 7 various skirts from ll bean. still on the hunt for tshirts that are fitted but don't show every roll of my bra fat.

argh.

almost

catching up

been a busy week between passover (my sister-in-law makes THE best macaroons. hands down, no contest. i was still full both mornings from stuffing myself with them the previous nights) and photo shoots. had two clients this weekend; photos are here (evans family and snyder family).

the coolest thing about really pursuing photography isn't the photos or the experience. it's getting to know so many different kinds of people. i am, by nature, fairly shy. i'm not very social (thank goodness jeff likes to make plans and invite people to do things or else we'd never go anywhere) and photographing people forces me to get out and meet new people. the family i took photos of saturday morning - the evans family - were so fantastic. i liked megan right away and we're even going to try to get together for lunch this week. how cool is that?

being a photographer (can i call myself that yet?) feels almost like being a voyeur. i get to know my clients, if only for an hour or two, on a very intimate level. i am in their houses...talking to their children...it's unlike any other job (and really, it's not a job. it boggles my mind to think that one day i could actually get PAID to do this. b-o-g-g-l-e-s the mind).

so i guess all of this is a good sign. a sign that maybe i can actually make a go of this photography thing. i've been online since the kids went down for their naps (hallelujah) looking at upgrading my camera. when i got it last year, i thought it was the be all end all and couldn't believe i'd splurged so much on a toy. and now all i can see is that my photos aren't as sharp as they could be, that i don't have as much control over the white balance as i'd like and that i really need an 85mm lens.

i'll get there. one day.

one year

yesterday marked one year that kate has been on growth hormones to help her grow.

april 12, 2005
age: 2 1/2
size 6-12 months
height: 31.5 inches
weight: 22 pounds

april 13, 2006
age: 3 1/2
size 2T-3T
height: 36.5 inches
weight: 24 pounds

click here to see a photo of kate taken one year ago and one taken today.

happy birthday, dad

my dad turned 59 this morning. which means that next year he'll be 60. how did that happen? i know 60 is the new 40 or something like that, but still. MY dad is almost SIXTY? wow.

when my brothers and i were growing up, we'd ask my dad what he wanted for his birthday. every year he'd say something like 'for you to get good grades' or 'for you to be more responsible' or, his favorite, 'for peace and quiet'. and every year my brothers and i would roll our eyes and say 'no, really. what do you want?'. we thought he was such a dork about that.

but now, as a parent myself, i get it. finally, i get it. it's too late for good grades or to be more responsible (i've got responsibility coming out my ears, now) or even for peace and quiet. so i hope it's enough that he knows that i understand, now. i understand and i appreciate it. all of it.

love you, dad. xoxoxxoxo

this one's for my mom

(see what he's eating, mom? see that little green thing sticking out of his mouth? it's SALAD. which is green. and a vegetable.)

xoxoxoxox

another jack post

so jack isn't sleeping.

at all.

he's had a cold the past week and it's worse at night. he's congested and has a barking cough and it keeps him from sleeping.

which keeps us from sleeping.

i'm so tired i'm afraid to drive the car because i might fall asleep at the wheel. and poor jeff has it even worse - our agreement is that jeff gets up with the kids during the night and i get up with them in the morning. so jeff was up giving jack a nebulizer treatment last night and turning on the shower hoping the steam would unclog him. he walked the halls with him at 3am when he was crying inconsolably. i wasn't necessarily sleeping through all of this, but at least i got to stay in bed.

i'm off to check craigslist to see if anyone has posted an ad looking for a 21-month-old boy who doesn't sleep.

passover joke

a friend of mine sent this; she heard it on the radio:

So this British Jew has been selected for knighthood. There are several practice sessions for the knighting, and the guy has to say things in latin.


During the the knighting ceremony, the Queen says her words, and the guy is supposed to say his, but in his nervousness blanks, and so throws out some words in Hebrew from the Haggadah.


The Queen and the people on the stage look puzzled, and the Queen whispers to her aide, "why is this knight unlike all other knights?"

another haiku

end of a long day
vodka tonic numbs the brain
no more sick children

my new favorite song

"first time in my life" by a band called bright eyes.

check them out on itunes.

jeff played me the song a while back but i was unimpressed (or not in the mood to listen or tired or something else). but i listened to it again, recently, and it's such a cool song. what makes it even cooler is that it makes jeff think of me.

cool.

dan wenner, esq.

one of jeff's good friends (fraternity brother in college) is a US district attorney in ny. he's been working on the mafia cop case and he delivered the closing arguments. just got a call from jeff that they won the case!

cnn.com story

haiku

sick inside today
fever, headache and a rash
my poor kitty kat

good news/bad news

good news:
jack peed on the toilet today for the first time. he actually started grabbing at his diaper and said 'potty seat!' a few times. so i sat him on the toilet (not thinking he really had to go or actually knew what to do once he was on the toilet). five minutes later, he peed!

bad news:
since a) i didn't think he really had to go and b) i've never potty trained a boy, i didn't double check that his penis was pointing down. so when he peed, it shot straight out, hit the wall and splashed all over me. i screamed and scared the bejeezus out of jack and he started crying.

i'm guessing i properly scared him out of using the toilet for the rest of his life.

jim jewell

i stumbled across an old friend's blog last night. i have a habit of googling random people when i'm bored (because, you know, with two small kids and a puppy, i have lots of time to be bored). anyway, i've googled this friend before but never thought to look for his email address, or at least the last email address i had for him.

bingo. i found his blog.

the thing that struck me is that if i didn't know him, i would never read his blog. or i would read it and write him off as a pretentious, bohemian, hippy dippy Artist. with a definite capital A.

but this friend. he's synonymous with seattle for me. he was my first friend in seattle and he introduced me to sushi, gasworks park, poetry slams at the ok hotel, the pacific inn pub, ani defranco and archie mcphees. but, more importantly, he introduced me to myself (i know. gag.).

but truly, he did. i had just moved from georgia where i worked for habitat for humanity and where i had begun to question the ultra conservative religion i had aligned myself with in college. jim opened me up to a world of questioning and the search for meaning in all things. he loved poetry (and wrote some for me. i still have a poem tucked away in a volume of alan ginsberg poetry he gave me for my birthday one year). he showed me the hedonistic joy of living for myself - for the minute i was in and for not caring about what other random people thought (where are you now when i need you, jim?). he seemed to see something in me that even i didn't know was there. i'll always be grateful to him for that.

even now, 10 years later, i can't figure out what made jim want to talk to me in the first place when we met at his uncle's company (gawd. have you watched 'the office'? that's about how awful this company was. seriously. honestly. it was a horrible place to work.). i was a temp and remember showing up to the first day of work in a black skirt and a brown and black tweed blazer that probably made me look like i was 40 years old. i was quiet and conservative and everything jim wasn't. at least on the surface, i guess. a few months of hanging out made me realize that we were more alike than even we knew.

so again, the point. there isn't one. it was just nice to come across an old friend and to feel like i was spying on him by reading his blog. i don't know if i'll email him...would there be a point? we live on opposite sides of the country and have totally opposite lives (he is still in pursuit of Art and i am in pursuit of the perfect anti-aging cream for the bags under my eyes). i'm sure he'd laugh that i have two kids, a dog and a minivan and live in a neighborhood where all the houses look just like all the other houses.

he wouldn't be surprised, i'm sure, but he'd definitely laugh.

ahhhhhhh

jeff and i went to new hope, pa this weekend for a friend's wedding. just an overnight trip but we just got back feeling like we'd had a second honeymoon. don't know why. maybe because the weather was gorgeous or that new hope is a completely charming town. we had a really great time and just enjoyed being together without worrying about getting dinner ready for the kids or walking the dog or dealing with the guy coming to fix the pond.

we just enjoyed each other which is something we should remember to do more often.

my best friend